Do you have jaundice or did you drink too much green tea?
William Connor Jr, a mediocre software engineer, was recently admitted to the hospital for jaundice - or so he thought. At 3pm, William was working from his startup’s downtown office, having a jolly good time coding for “The Future of HR Management for Companies in Santa Clara County with Less Than 20 Employees”, when the color of his skin began to change. His coworker Adam, another middle-aged white guy who presses buttons on a keyboard for a living, noticed William looked a little funky and had him call 911. “His skin was the kind of yellow color that you see in the toilet bowl when you had a bottle of water that day, but you could have probably used another”, Adam told reporters at the scene. This helped us understand the exact color of William at the time he went to the hospital, as well as why Adam chose to make money by writing words on screens instead of talking with his stupid little mouth. William was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance where he had the paramedic wiggle a finger on his laptop trackpad every 30 seconds to ensure his Slack status stayed active.
William had to sit in the waiting room for three hours before being seen by a doctor, during which he had to relieve himself 7 different times, each instance coming back with skin slightly less yellow. William’s father, William Connor, came to wait with his son who is notably a “daddy’s boy”. In the end, all of the tests ran on William came back completely normal - that’s right, no jaundice. It turns out that William drank 11 bottles of green tea in his day at the office, because he’s “only in two days a week post-covid and has to make the most of the office snacks”. However, there are consequences to being a greedy like bitch, and the copious amount of green tea in William’s body turns out to have been the color-changing culprit. William made a promise to himself to switch to Spindrift next time he gets past 8 green teas (unless he is lost in the Sahara desert and trying to camouflage with the sand to hide from a cheetah, in which case he will down as many as possible).
