James Webb Telescope captures image of Virgin Mary doing the dirty
The James Webb telescope was sent into the deep, dark, and to some, spooky, depths of space over 2 years ago. Many folks were hoping this telescope would send back proof of aliens or discover habitable planets, but instead, all it’s done is capture stupid little images of stars, as if we don’t have enough already - YAWN. However, today is a different story for this not-so-run-of-the-mill telescope, as recent images suggest that building a billion dollar floating camera was kinda maybe worth it. For context, the James Webb telescope covers wavelengths long enough that it can capture images from back in time, up to a quarter of a billion years ago. So, when scientists received an image in the lab today of Virgin Mary doing some not-so-virgin acts approximately 9 months before Jesus’s birth (eg fucking someone), you can imagine the chaos that ensued among the scientists. At first, most were shocked that she would go for someone so clearly below her league, but then the impact of the images settled in. One of the astronomers in the room, Dov, a meek man of orthodox-jewish religion, revealed to us “I always thought Mary had a bit of a slutty vibe. To capture this image today marks one of the best days of my life, second to the day my cousin slipped me a Charli D’Amelio Dunkin’ Donuts Cold Brew.”
However, this discovery was not all sunshine and rainbows for everyone involved. David, an evangelical christian on the project, immediately thrust his body against the TV screen the image presented on in an attempt to hide the discovery from others in the room. He had to be pried away from the screen by another astronomer, whose motivation was not only to share the discovery with others, but also to “check out her rack”. NASA had a duty to report the image to the Bureau of Christianity and All Other Things Jesus, who told me to “fuck off” when asked for a comment on the situation.
All of this leaves us wondering, what will Christians, and basically all other religions, do now? I, personally, am manifesting for more gold plates to be dug up, in hopes that the engravings could provide clarity. In the meantime, we’ll just have to wait and see what other tea the James Webb Telescope brings forward.
