Joe-Joe lied about being good at golf so we don’t really want to elect him anymore

Joe Biden has a lot of things going for him in this presidential election. First off, people love a balding president - take Gerald Ford and Lyndon B Johnson, for example. Even the OG George Washington is rumored to have suffered from alopecia, which explains why he wore that stupid wig (I mean, why else would he wear it?). In addition to a head that becomes shinier by the day, Biden also has the moonwalk down. Since he trudges around so fucking slowly, his feet barely graze the ground as he walks, giving him that essential swagger affect. Because of these strengths, Biden felt ready to attack at last weekend’s presidential debate. An anonymous source let us know that “Biden was extra pumped for this debate, if you know what I mean. Between you and me - he took Viagra before because if it gets the blood flowing down there, it’ll get the blood flowing up there,” the source said as she pointed to her noggin.

Joe Biden was absolutely crushing the debate, partly because he was playing a game of “how long can I go without blinking at the camera” to appeal to the gen-z viewers attention span (or lack thereof), when the big old elephant in the room entered the discussion - golf. We all know America feels passionately about our president being an absolute beast on the golf course, which is why we’ve never had a female president. Unfortunately, Biden got a little too cocky (perhaps a side effect of the Viagra) and claimed he used to be a 6 handicap, then quickly corrected himself to an 8. America simply cannot have a president who tells big fat lies, and Biden pretty much nuked his odds of winning with that comment. Yikes! Luckily for the Democrats, Joe Biden could run in the next election if he loses this one as long as hasn’t kicked that big ol’ bucket yet (although rumor has it his bucket is very small and his foot is absurdly strong).