Opinion: Do vegans have to spit?

Almost exactly one year ago today, local San Franciscan female Candice Liverpea decided to go vegan. And almost exactly one year ago today as well, Candice ate a leftover 5-day-old BLT from Lucca’s Deli before a first date and could not stop farting out the wazoo (one witness says she “crop dusted the shit out of that bar”). Candice claims the events aren’t related, but we don’t really believe her. It has taken Big C a long time to muster up the courage to start dating again, but today she has finally done the dirty and downloaded Hinge. Her main hesitation with re-entering the dating scene is not the lack of quality men in the Bay Area (her bar is low), or the fact that meeting strangers on dates can be dangerous (she’s already been kidnapped twice, and escaped successfully by clawing their eyes out with her ombre acrylic nails), but rather a concern of morality - can a vegan swallow cum? We have suggested to Candice that she simply not give head, but she claims it is the only thing she has going for her. We then suggested to Candice that she try reading the self-help book “Learning to Love Yourself Even If You’re An Irritating Person”. Neither suggestions were met with enthusiasm.

Anyways, let’s get to the opinion here - do vegans have to spit? If you ask me, I’d say it might not be worth exploring given that vegans are predicted to go extinct due to natural selection by 2130*. But by deductive reasoning, if a vegan can’t drink the milk from a cow tee-ta, they also can’t drink liquids from any other animal hole. Please remind any toddler vegans that this does include boogers. So yes, vegans do have to spit.

*source: ifreakinghatevegans.org (apparently the .com domain cost $10/month more)