Insecure Man sues “Dick’s Sporting Goods” for defamation

Dick, a 34-year old living in the suburbs of Chicago, has filed a lawsuit against mediocrely popular wholesale ball seller “Dick’s Sporting Goods” for creating an unrealistic expectation that he should be more athletic than he is. “Every time I go on a date, I get asked if I play sports. The answer is no, I don’t, because I’m a lazy piece of shit. They’re always let down by it, among other things, and it’s super duper unfair that they associate me with an athletic store in the first place.” Dick has not hired a lawyer to support him in his case, as he states “I don’t need anyone backing me up. My mom’s always told me I have a way with words.” We are super-duper excited to see how this case pans out, and for Dick to learn the hard-earned lesson that parents are biased towards their children.