Man asks firefighter to let his cat stay stuck in a tree because he “didn’t like that bitch anyways”

Last Wednesday, Mark Greenport was found yelling at a firefighter in Dolores Park for rescuing his cat from a palm tree. Mark asked us to report that his cat, named Marqué, was not named after himself but rather after his drunk persona, who he hates just as much as his “bitch of a cat”.

Marqué reportedly escaped his home at 11am, but according to a neighbor's Ring camera, Marqué can be seen flying out of the doorway at a velocity of 12 miles per hour. We can assume mal-intent here under the assumptions that 1) cats can’t fly, and 2) the strength of a moderately athletic 34 year old man’s leg can kick a 9 pound cat at this exact speed. To add to the fishiness, there is footage of Mark skedaddling from his home early in the morning, leaving a bread-crumb trail of cat treats from his doorstep all the way to Dolores Park.

Firefighters were alerted at 1:02pm by two teens participating in PDA at the park that a cat was stuck in the tree above them, and was “ruining the vibe”. A firefighter, Joel, arrived promptly to the scene, but it took him 20 minutes to find Marqué in the tree given that his dirty brown fur made him blend in with the coconuts (and Joel forgot to wear contacts that day). Once Marqué was brought down from the tree, Joel called Mark, whose phone number was on the collar, to come pick up his cat. Soon after the call, Mark was seen running into the park swinging a bee-bee gun above his head, demanding the firefighters put Marqué “back where he belongs, in that damn palm tree”. Joel refused to put him back into the tree, given the inhumane nature of the task, and because he didn’t want to take the ladder back out (he has a bad back). They reached a middle ground solution to instead ship Marqué off on the next cargo ship to Lana’i, an island in Hawaii where there are rumored to be plenty of palm trees. “I am confident that Marqué will fit right in on Lana’i, and I’m sure all those pineapples will fatten him up quite nicely,” reported Joel.

If you want to track Marqués journey across the pacific, you can see his location at www.where-is-marque.com.